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Kids' Digital Learning Academy. Microfiber Series Sheet Set. Limited Time. So Many Deals See Them All! Gourmet Fast Food. My sister and I were squashed into the other bedroom, which provided the only access to the bathroom. There was absolutely no privacy, so I missed out on doing all sorts of formative stuff, such as snogging poster pinups, for fear that someone would barge in at any second, desperate for a poo. But no matter how much detergent I chucked in, our laundry always seemed to come out with an undertone of chicken chop suey.

When our grandparents attempted to make western food, we got spaghetti with golden syrup, and margarine and sugar sandwiches.

Mum never made western food, and she never let us eat the food we served customers either because she said it had no nutritional value. My views on food became so skewed that one year I thought it would be honourable of me to donate a catering tin of bamboo shoots to the harvest festival at school.

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After-school activities included bagging prawn crackers, chopping mushrooms and peeling prawns. So, instead of getting a pat on the back for top marks in art, I got a slap round the head for slicing the char siu all wrong. Once, I ended up chopping the end of my index finger off with a meat cleaver, which in hindsight probably required a trip to the hospital for stitches.

Friday and Saturday nights were the worst, as that was when punters came in steaming from the pub. I soon learned how to deal with them, by giving as good as I got.

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Once, a bloke started being racist to Mum, and my uncle — who was helping out — vaulted over the counter with a knife, Bruce Lee style, and chased him down the street while the whole neighbourhood watched. But all I could think was how embarrassing my family were and how much more bullied I would be if anyone at school found out. At infant school, I was the only Chinese kid, and bullies would pull their eyes into slits at me and sing the Ching Chong Chinaman song.